Entries for July, 2011

I had to let it out somehow. 

 

the past week have been unforgiving.

>mounds of work to cause me to be 75 hours awake.

>an event i have to do with just 2 hours of sleep after that 75hours of awake time.

>brokedown infront of my boyfriend, which is the most pathetic thing ive ever done to humiliate myself so far.

>broke and lost our bracelet, which makes me feel incomplete. sad to the point of being depressed. 

 

>and last night was the beginning of my head to start to play tricks on my sanity.

 

constant dreams and flashbacks of my mom having an attack, helplessly shaking, the mental image was too painful to handle. my whole body aches and cringes to the thought one of the people you love most is in pain and yet i got nothing to help her. Wishing, thinking and praying that it would be i who having to take that ordeal and not her. I woke up in the middle of crying and asking for help, which none seems to lend, they were all jsut looking and apatheticly staring while i hold my waek, feeble and fragile mother in my arms.

 

>its was about 7am, when i opened my eyes and the first thing i did was call Daniel, but long before i knew it, another horrifying dream came in.

 

I was talking to the love of my life on my cellphone, then there was someone knocking at out gates, Daniel went to my house for some talk. Soon I realized, he was giving me a break up speech. He was leaving me and I didnt know why, he doesnt want to explain. I wanted to wake up so bad, to force myself out of it, but it seems like I couldn't at that time. Its as though something is preventing me to wake up. I know I am dreaming but, apart from all other, I couldnt wake up even if i wanted to..

 

Him: I'm Leaving you.

Me: you must be kidding, right? whats wrong? (shocked.. stunned)

Him: i'm not (walks away)

Me: (sits in a corner) .. (moments passed) ...  (in shock) ... (snaps out of it) .. (goes after him)

Me: hey, can we talk?

Him: there's nothing to talk about, i just broke up with you.

Me: i dont get it. Why? 

Him: maybe hinde mo pa natatanggap but you have to take it in. 

Me: on what grounds? (getting weak) you said this was forever? 

Him: i though so too.

Me: and?

Him: and it just... (pause)  nothing.

Me: disappeared?

Him: no, its not like that, you wouldnt be mad if you only knew..

Me: (tears started to fall) knew what? why dont you tell me?  .. what ever happened to "i love you forever"? . thought you were' my Romeo, my love, my immortal beloved? where did it all went?

Him: you have to go away now.

Me: i have to understand, you have to tell me..

Him: WHY?! i cant tell you why.. its not that i dont love you anymore.

Me: then what is it then? ganun nalang ba?

Him: Just go. it shouldn't be this hard walking away.

Me: wala man lang ba akong laban?

Him: WHY IS IT YOU HAVE TO KNOW?! JUST GO!

Me: I HAVE to know!

Him: WHY?!

Me: ... so I can get over you.

Him: (with a stunned look one his face) ..

Me: ...

 

I woke up, cried a little. forgot about it.

cried while typing it again. not i cant stop crying. funny im such a crybaby when it comes to this. 

 

i feel oh so pathetic.

 

>then as things starts to fade to white, and as i get a glimpse of reality, these words were floating on air :

 

"and i know its never simple,

never easy,

never a clean break,

no one here to save me, 

you're the only thing i know like the back of my hand...


...and i cant breathe without you, but i have to...


...breathe without you,

but i have to."

 

I'm sorry people, I have to let it out somehow, its been diving me crazy sad the whole day and the only thing thats keeping me sane is this fact:

 

"relax, its not real. its just a dream." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

this is my idea of being "out cold"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

someone please wake me up.

 

 

 

 "..from those pain, that feeling where you grow weak and all sound judgement turns to a blur that all you could only do is curl up on your bed and hope tomorrow never comes because,  life, as the most beautiful you have witnessed with him, will never be the same. it will never become at par with the beauty you've seen in love and life that is him."

-Aglaia

 

 

 

 


"Nay, tempt me not to love again: there was a time when love was sweet; Dearest, had I known thee then, Our souls had not been slow to meet! But Oh! This weary heart hath run so many a time the rounds of pain. Not even for thee, o lovely one, would i endure such pangs again."


 - Sir Thomas More

 

Posted by Iris-Champagne on July 18, 2011 at 08:19 PM | leave a mark
« 2011/05 · 2011/08 »