Entries for December, 2019

Listen here, you little shit.

This ends here.

Surely, you have a better way wasting your resources than impulse?

You're beautiful, smart and talented.

Don't be stupid. You have to stop.

Stop:

  • Renting a whole cinema for yourself.
  • Randomly setting things on fire.
  • Throwing knives at your most annoying housemates.
  • Playing Russian Roulette with your life choices.
  • Getting odd jobs.
  • Missing "that" life.
  • Picking random fist fights.
  • Uprooting your investments and
  • Moving from one state to another every 2-3 months.

This is your NLP for impulse control. 

You know the signs. 

STOP. 

---

Help.

Currently listening to: Cagnet - Hear me cry (OST: Love Generation)
Posted by Iris-Champagne on December 1, 2019 at 05:36 PM | leave a mark

One day I got a call from a client and it brought back all things I've been running from.

After the shock has worn off, I managed to compose myself and relaize that the past has caught on. 

It was dumb and stupid. I never thought I'd go back to that place again. 

I refused to get dragged in to something I wish to have left in the past; the past is only a bunch of lessons that made me who I am now. It is not a place I can go back to. 

I managed to pawn off the job to a colleague, but something in my gut felt like I should have seen it through myself; after all, my retainer wasn't expired. 

Just like Lucifer himself, handing out favors to be collected in a time of my choosing seems like pure evil. However, if you've managed to survived this long from all the horrible things you've done, it seems like a logical thing to have as a form of insurance for your safety and those I wish to protect. 

But I was not prepared of everything that comes after. 

I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I feel nothing or everything. My lack of grey area is part of my life's charm. It can also be the end of me. 

This time, after a crazy 47 hours, I find myself flirting with Death all over again. That one single call to arms took me over everything I have pressed pause on feeling for the past 5 years; and now, the feeling of guilt and chaos is brewing in my mind. 

I stare blankly and comtemplate of meeting Death due not to execcessive pain, nor stress. This time its different. It's that rare occassion that feels like you are floating between worlds of everything and nothing at the same time - between chaos & destruction vs. rest & silence. 

Passion & Peace took hold of me and I started making a lethal list.

 

...and from then, I take my night medication, and hope I never wake up the next day.

lamentations


Yet, I'm still here.

Such a disappointment.

--- 

Posted by Iris-Champagne on December 10, 2019 at 08:57 AM | leave a mark
 
Wish I could be the one,
the one who could give you love.
The kind of love you really need.
--
Wish I could say to you
that "I'll always stay with you"
But baby that's not me.
---
You need someone
willing to give their heart and soul to you
promise you forever,
baby that's something I can't do.
---
Oh I could say that "I'll be all you need"
but that would be a lie.
I know I'd only hurt you,
I know I'd only make you cry.
---
I'm not the one you're needing.
I love you, goodbye.
---
I hope someday you can
find some way to understand.
I'm only doing this for you
and I don't really want to go
But deep in my heart I know
this is the kindest thing to do
--
You'll find someone who'll be the one
that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that "I'll be all you need"
but that would be a crime.
I know I'd only hurt you,
I know I'd only make you cry.
I'm not the one you're needing.
I love you, goodbye.
---
Leaving someone when you love someone
it's the hardest thing to do.
When you love someone as much as I love you,
I don't want to leave you
And it tears me up inside.
But I'll never be the one you're needing.
---
I love you, goodbye.
Posted by Iris-Champagne on December 11, 2019 at 09:11 AM | leave a mark

How many breakdowns can one have in a day?

---

According to Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, thereare five stages of grief & loss.

  1. shock and denial
  2. anger
  3. bargaining
  4. depression
  5. acceptance

---

Today, I woke up and realized that I am already at the 4th stage. After 3 months, I finally have progressed from anger and bargaining to complete, total mind-numbing sadness. A kind of sadness that makes you feel a weight on your chest like you can't breathe and weak on the knees as if you just want to fall apart and disappear. Thus, the start of my first (of many) breakdowns. 

---

001:

I hated everything. I couldn't sleep depite doses of Doxepine and spent the whole night doing laundry and cleaning the house. Then, a glance at a mirror, made me realize how much I wish the girl staring back was different. I managed to find a scissor and started hacking away at my fringe until I realize that if i take my anger out on my hair, I'd probably lose my sponsor and partnerships. I stopped and fixed the uneven ugly mess that I made. Suddenly I hear a radio nearby playing John Legend's "All of Me" and I couldn't control myself as tears well up in my eyes and started to really breakdown. After a while, tears dried up and I fell asleep on the floor.

---

Contemplating that today is my first day of mourning my love for him. My half of my heart is dying and I don't have a clue if I wanted to save it or not. Against my better judgement, I will let it die. Ride the waves of insanity and follow it through until death becomes a ressurection to a new day. A better day, where I am smarter, better and wiser; then, I can process everything in a new perspective with more efficiency and wisdom from the experience.

---

002:

I woke up from a half an hour nap on the floor and realized that I still hated that girl in the mirror. Then, I thought "what could be something I can do without self harm?". Remembering that I still have a bottle of Articfox Tansylvania, I went for it. While waiting to dye, it's as if next door neighbor was toying with my emotions. The exact same version of my wedding march by Ahn Jun-sung was playing; and just like that, the second wave of breathless tears came uncontrolably gushing out until it dried out and I can't breath anymore. 

---

003:

Now, I am on my 4th drink trying to fill the void and thinking that there is something in me craving a new piece of metal passing thru my flesh; and I am trying my hardest not to get another piercing or cut (which ever is accesible at the time of breakdown). I am trying to control the urges and kept on telling myself my mind is stronger than my reflexes as I play Die Antwoord in blinding volumes to drown out the thoughts of self-harm. I am really trying. I need a distraction and inspiration, not another negotiation with my sane and insane self.

Currently listening to: This is Die Antwoord
Currently feeling: anxious
Posted by Iris-Champagne on December 14, 2019 at 03:05 PM | leave a mark
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