One day I got a call from a client and it brought back all things I've been running from.

After the shock has worn off, I managed to compose myself and relaize that the past has caught on. 

It was dumb and stupid. I never thought I'd go back to that place again. 

I refused to get dragged in to something I wish to have left in the past; the past is only a bunch of lessons that made me who I am now. It is not a place I can go back to. 

I managed to pawn off the job to a colleague, but something in my gut felt like I should have seen it through myself; after all, my retainer wasn't expired. 

Just like Lucifer himself, handing out favors to be collected in a time of my choosing seems like pure evil. However, if you've managed to survived this long from all the horrible things you've done, it seems like a logical thing to have as a form of insurance for your safety and those I wish to protect. 

But I was not prepared of everything that comes after. 

I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I feel nothing or everything. My lack of grey area is part of my life's charm. It can also be the end of me. 

This time, after a crazy 47 hours, I find myself flirting with Death all over again. That one single call to arms took me over everything I have pressed pause on feeling for the past 5 years; and now, the feeling of guilt and chaos is brewing in my mind. 

I stare blankly and comtemplate of meeting Death due not to execcessive pain, nor stress. This time its different. It's that rare occassion that feels like you are floating between worlds of everything and nothing at the same time - between chaos & destruction vs. rest & silence. 

Passion & Peace took hold of me and I started making a lethal list.

 

...and from then, I take my night medication, and hope I never wake up the next day.

lamentations


Yet, I'm still here.

Such a disappointment.

--- 

Posted by Iris-Champagne on December 10, 2019 at 08:57 AM | leave a mark

Listen here, you little shit.

This ends here.

Surely, you have a better way wasting your resources than impulse?

You're beautiful, smart and talented.

Don't be stupid. You have to stop.

Stop:

  • Renting a whole cinema for yourself.
  • Randomly setting things on fire.
  • Throwing knives at your most annoying housemates.
  • Playing Russian Roulette with your life choices.
  • Getting odd jobs.
  • Missing "that" life.
  • Picking random fist fights.
  • Uprooting your investments and
  • Moving from one state to another every 2-3 months.

This is your NLP for impulse control. 

You know the signs. 

STOP. 

---

Help.

Currently listening to: Cagnet - Hear me cry (OST: Love Generation)
Posted by Iris-Champagne on December 1, 2019 at 05:36 PM | leave a mark
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