In a movie I watched I heard them say "If engineers have figured out a way to measure the mental pressure of suicide victims, identified who or where the pressure was coming from, then it would not be suicide, it would be murder."

This reminded me, I have forgotten I have IICP - Increased IntraCranial Pressure, a brain condition where there is intense pressure between the lobes of the brain inside skull, triggered by stress or sleep deprivation, resulting to insufficient oxygen distribution specifically in the brain region. Also, My blood has too much White Blood Cells (WBC), and I have an imbalance with my sugar levels.

Symptoms are migrane (the extremely bad headache), vertigo, nausea, vomiting, intense chest pains with shortness of breath, numbness of brain hemispheres, one side of the body or of the face, back pains, hyperventilation and papilledema (an optic disc swelling that may lead to visual disturbances, optic atrophy, and eventually blindness.)

Cure? a change of lifestyle to a simple less negativity and less stressful life and relationships with friends and loved ones. Ensure adequate airway, breathing, and oxygenation. Ow, and diet wise: less fried more steamed, less meat more fish and veggies. choose pork over beef and fish over crustacians. less chocolates and coffee more tea. less cream and sugar more milk and honey. And above all, focus on the positive. Be so happy that just by looking at you others will become happy too.

A condition I have that had been forgotten if not for alarming symptoms for he past few weeks. Thinking about what could I have done wrong to revert back to this state? I figured, It must be that the stress of school (the post graduate certificate I'm aiming to accomplish and the Saturday GradSchool) is a hard bite of reality I get to take in for myself. I guess I have bitten more than I should have, now I'm at a consequence od spreading my self too thin over work, relationships and school.

Not to mention the relationship fights (with friends and loved ones) are getting out of hand. Who ever fault is it, didn't matter, all I know that one of the factors was I wasnt able to think straight, keep calm and my mouth shut due to loaded stress.

I am in dire need of release, and to get away from all of this.

Fights, arguements, weird negative conversations could have been avoided had I learned to keep my mouth shut. Then again, I have been shutting my mouth for so long that everything was kept bottled up inside that now, It has come down to this. - A return of the repressed.

Yes, it came back. Stronger than ever, weirder than usual with even more painful symptoms to remind me that my old habits are not yet broken. They are there, although purposely ignored, it's telling me that something must change within me and how I'm living my life.

"Ikaw? Wag ka takot. Health mo, Life mo, Iyo. Importante, wag takot sakit. buhay pa pag-asa" ("It's up to you, your health, your life, its yours. What is important is that you're not afraid. as long as you're alive, there's hope.") Is what my Chinese doctor always say when I'm crying because get scared of my condition. He then adds "takot ka buhay, patay na." ("if you live in fear, you're already dead.") Then, at that moment, I stopped crying, tried to man up (even if I am a lady), suck it up and deal with it.

I have been "dealing with it" for the longest time I could remember, that I now wonder "when can I rest?" "when can I stop fighting for my life and just let go?"

Apparently, NEVER. Becasue just when I started to let go, the condition bit me back in the ass harder and more painful than usual and now it's something I have to deal with all over again.

Now, the big questions are:

How do I tell the people around me to be nice to me or I'll die sooner than expected?

How do I ask them to stop being negative?

Not that I think I'm the center of the world here, but I actually believe that the biggest factor to someone's healing is the environment he or she is on.

Funny how life works out sometimes. You tend to take care of people around you, but in the end you are the one who needs more taking care of than them.

Ow, well.. time to bring out the old brewing pot, man up, suck it up and deal with it.