Caught Between a Strong Mind and a Fragile Heart
How many breakdowns can one have in a day?
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According to Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, thereare five stages of grief & loss.
- shock and denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
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Today, I woke up and realized that I am already at the 4th stage. After 3 months, I finally have progressed from anger and bargaining to complete, total mind-numbing sadness. A kind of sadness that makes you feel a weight on your chest like you can't breathe and weak on the knees as if you just want to fall apart and disappear. Thus, the start of my first (of many) breakdowns.
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001:
I hated everything. I couldn't sleep depite doses of Doxepine and spent the whole night doing laundry and cleaning the house. Then, a glance at a mirror, made me realize how much I wish the girl staring back was different. I managed to find a scissor and started hacking away at my fringe until I realize that if i take my anger out on my hair, I'd probably lose my sponsor and partnerships. I stopped and fixed the uneven ugly mess that I made. Suddenly I hear a radio nearby playing John Legend's "All of Me" and I couldn't control myself as tears well up in my eyes and started to really breakdown. After a while, tears dried up and I fell asleep on the floor.
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Contemplating that today is my first day of mourning my love for him. My half of my heart is dying and I don't have a clue if I wanted to save it or not. Against my better judgement, I will let it die. Ride the waves of insanity and follow it through until death becomes a ressurection to a new day. A better day, where I am smarter, better and wiser; then, I can process everything in a new perspective with more efficiency and wisdom from the experience.
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002:
I woke up from a half an hour nap on the floor and realized that I still hated that girl in the mirror. Then, I thought "what could be something I can do without self harm?". Remembering that I still have a bottle of Articfox Tansylvania, I went for it. While waiting to dye, it's as if next door neighbor was toying with my emotions. The exact same version of my wedding march by Ahn Jun-sung was playing; and just like that, the second wave of breathless tears came uncontrolably gushing out until it dried out and I can't breath anymore.
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003:
Now, I am on my 4th drink trying to fill the void and thinking that there is something in me craving a new piece of metal passing thru my flesh; and I am trying my hardest not to get another piercing or cut (which ever is accesible at the time of breakdown). I am trying to control the urges and kept on telling myself my mind is stronger than my reflexes as I play Die Antwoord in blinding volumes to drown out the thoughts of self-harm. I am really trying. I need a distraction and inspiration, not another negotiation with my sane and insane self.