"Life is not measured by the years you have lived,
but by the caring you have given; the cheer and love you have shared; and the people whose hearts you have happily touched."
-Msgr. Albert Venus

"sometimes,

loving could be so

painful and difficult,

but its amazing

to know that

no matter

how hard it is

loving is

the simplest reason

why you'll always

findyourself

smiling.."

11:13 PM

adanieldelacruz: lovey, you're always beautiful both inside and outside.

11:17 PM

adanieldelacruz: in my eyes, you're always beautiful mahal ko.

12:30 AM

adanieldelacruz: I can't promise if I can change kagad... hindi naman ako robot na lahat ng utos sunod  kagad.

adanieldelacruz: but I can promise to change.

adanieldelacruz: I don't want to make you cry again.

adanieldelacruz: nor want to lose you.

its a long explanation to get something like this. but most of the time, to hear him say it, is word every effort. 

LSS Corner:

I've already cried in "Joshua Kadison's Beautiful in My Eyes" a while a go, so here's another song, that is sure to make a tear jerker out of me. 

Now and Forever

Richard Marx

Whenever I'm weary
From the battles that rage in my head

You make sense of madness
When my sanity hangs by a thread

I lose my way, but still you
Seem to understand

Now and forever
I will be your man

Sometimes I just hold you
Too caught up in me to see
I'm holding a fortune
That Heaven has given to me

I'll try to show you
Each and every way I can
Now and forever
I will be your man

Now I can rest my worries
And always be sure
That I won't be alone, anymore

If I'd only known you were there
All the time
All this time

Until the day the ocean
Doesn't touch the sand
Now and forever
I will be your man

Now and forever
I will be your man

...

In a movie I watched I heard them say "If engineers have figured out a way to measure the mental pressure of suicide victims, identified who or where the pressure was coming from, then it would not be suicide, it would be murder."

This reminded me, I have forgotten I have IICP - Increased IntraCranial Pressure, a brain condition where there is intense pressure between the lobes of the brain inside skull, triggered by stress or sleep deprivation, resulting to insufficient oxygen distribution specifically in the brain region. Also, My blood has too much White Blood Cells (WBC), and I have an imbalance with my sugar levels.

Symptoms are migrane (the extremely bad headache), vertigo, nausea, vomiting, intense chest pains with shortness of breath, numbness of brain hemispheres, one side of the body or of the face, back pains, hyperventilation and papilledema (an optic disc swelling that may lead to visual disturbances, optic atrophy, and eventually blindness.)

Cure? a change of lifestyle to a simple less negativity and less stressful life and relationships with friends and loved ones. Ensure adequate airway, breathing, and oxygenation. Ow, and diet wise: less fried more steamed, less meat more fish and veggies. choose pork over beef and fish over crustacians. less chocolates and coffee more tea. less cream and sugar more milk and honey. And above all, focus on the positive. Be so happy that just by looking at you others will become happy too.

A condition I have that had been forgotten if not for alarming symptoms for he past few weeks. Thinking about what could I have done wrong to revert back to this state? I figured, It must be that the stress of school (the post graduate certificate I'm aiming to accomplish and the Saturday GradSchool) is a hard bite of reality I get to take in for myself. I guess I have bitten more than I should have, now I'm at a consequence od spreading my self too thin over work, relationships and school.

Not to mention the relationship fights (with friends and loved ones) are getting out of hand. Who ever fault is it, didn't matter, all I know that one of the factors was I wasnt able to think straight, keep calm and my mouth shut due to loaded stress.

I am in dire need of release, and to get away from all of this.

Fights, arguements, weird negative conversations could have been avoided had I learned to keep my mouth shut. Then again, I have been shutting my mouth for so long that everything was kept bottled up inside that now, It has come down to this. - A return of the repressed.

Yes, it came back. Stronger than ever, weirder than usual with even more painful symptoms to remind me that my old habits are not yet broken. They are there, although purposely ignored, it's telling me that something must change within me and how I'm living my life.

"Ikaw? Wag ka takot. Health mo, Life mo, Iyo. Importante, wag takot sakit. buhay pa pag-asa" ("It's up to you, your health, your life, its yours. What is important is that you're not afraid. as long as you're alive, there's hope.") Is what my Chinese doctor always say when I'm crying because get scared of my condition. He then adds "takot ka buhay, patay na." ("if you live in fear, you're already dead.") Then, at that moment, I stopped crying, tried to man up (even if I am a lady), suck it up and deal with it.

I have been "dealing with it" for the longest time I could remember, that I now wonder "when can I rest?" "when can I stop fighting for my life and just let go?"

Apparently, NEVER. Becasue just when I started to let go, the condition bit me back in the ass harder and more painful than usual and now it's something I have to deal with all over again.

Now, the big questions are:

How do I tell the people around me to be nice to me or I'll die sooner than expected?

How do I ask them to stop being negative?

Not that I think I'm the center of the world here, but I actually believe that the biggest factor to someone's healing is the environment he or she is on.

Funny how life works out sometimes. You tend to take care of people around you, but in the end you are the one who needs more taking care of than them.

Ow, well.. time to bring out the old brewing pot, man up, suck it up and deal with it.

last night was too painful. 

symptoms are getting worse, if the other night I had chest pains and hyperventillations and last week I had bad back aches, last night was worse, I was having nausea and vomiting all night along with chest pains and lack of oxygen, wasn't able to sleep at all.

At some point I was wide awake but thought I was dreaming. The increased brain pressure's giving me a head ache and the brain pressure increase from vomiting is blurring my vision and some visual disturbances.

know what I need? - aside from oxygen tank by my bed side and regular medications? Someone who'll be there for me, take care of me, pat my back while I'm vomiting my brains out, hug me, kiss me and tell me everything's gonna be okay, calm me down while hyperventillating and tell me He's there and I don't need to be afraid of my recurring condition.

Becasue I honestly am scared out of my wits right now.

Or maybe "incredibly overwhemled" is the right term?

a hug and a kiss is what I need.

please take care of me?

..its what i keep on telling myself, specially last night.

Fiance picked me up from school and took me home (you guys have no idea, it feels like a dream come true! hahaha! ) but every bump in the road i felt a throbbing thing in my head, like its about to crack. I tried my best not to let it disturb or affect the situaton as I really love to be in him arm while commuting to my house.

When I got home, I immediately took my meds and rested. Today I woke up with the same headache, but not as bad. Thank god! (I can say) that my medication is working! even just a little. <3

Doctor said that my medications are therapeutic, meaning, its supposed to help little by little. I guess, i'll still be feeling the same for few more months or even years! >_>

Please take care of me?

just a reminder I saw this morning <3

"I missed your kisses. I never realized how much I miss you until you kissed me."

"...the same as I'm missng you right now. The feeling of completeness, that I've missed."